Provocation

"You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep

because reality is finally better than your dreams." (Dr. Seuss)

I'm jealous. Jealous because other people can write their own thoughts without hesitations. They just want to let their emotions out in the open. Not caring what other people think. They just write. There's nothing wrong with it, really. Then again, I remembered our discussion in our comparative literature class. How would you know if there's any bearing or meaning in what you're writing? That maybe you're just writing for your own sake. Honestly, I am guilty of doing this. If you've been reading my entries, yes..I write about my side of the story. Sure, maybe there are other people who could relate to what I'm saying but...it only ends there. I remembered my professor telling us that there are essays that are mind-numbing..and you're just reading it just for the sake of reading something.

I remembered one of my spiritual direction sessions. Don't get me wrong. I'm not the kind of person who's very consistent and religious in the spiritual aspect. But someone told me that the relationship between you and God should be mutual. Obvious naman yun di ba? Yet it's more difficult than it sounds. Apparently, I've been praying for my family, friends, problems, and so on. That my prayer seems to be one-sided...it only comes from me. Vanity. Probably one of the most common sin of mankind. I can't remember if I have truly given Him the chance to talk or listen to what He's trying to say. Everyone has their own empty space..and it's up to them how they can fill that space. Prayer may be one of the ways to do that. Nevertheless, it can never be done alone.

Like in non-fiction writing, there's no chance of dreaming about your ideal plot, characters, setting, and so on. Everything that you'll be writing is about reality...and you'll be keeping in mind that there are readers who want to understand what you're writing about. I felt challenged with that kind of calling...because how can you make a simple subject so profound in the eyes of other people?

Then again, life is never easy. It just never is. But that's not enough reason to be hard on yourself and to stop you from doing what you need to do. I need to write. Some people may agree or disagree with it. Some people may even mock what I'm saying. Whatever reaction that may be, I let it out because it feels so much better to be free than to let the idea hide in the dark.

Hope

Seven months. I stopped writing in this blog for seven months. And I could think of numerous reasons why I stopped. Too busy for school, fieldwork, ictus, choir. I rather spend my free time for something or someone else rather than writing on this blog and letting other people know what's going on in my life.

During the first semester, I wrote at least ten essays for my developmental psychology class. It was the first time that a professor noticed my work. Haha. I'm not used to getting personal compliments from college professors..as far as I can recall. And that helped because she made me believe that maybe..just maybe I can write. And one of the essays that I enjoyed doing is about our psychosocial development. Here's an exerpt of the essay:

Looking Back

"You are young and in love.

Every young man in your position is the most miserable young man who ever lived." (Neil Gaiman)

I keep two journals. The first one is a prayer journal where I write down quotes from the bible and reflect about it. The second one is my personal journal..all of my dreams, fears, and of course, secret love is hidden in that journal. Yes. I think I'd been in love. You may call it foolish love, infatuation, whatever it may be. And then, I also met this one thing that I didn't expect to come along with: pain.

....I took it hard. And for the past few months, I've been accepting and dealing with reality. Now I know how it feels to be empty every time I wake up. That there's nothing to look forward to anymore. But every time I would feel bad, I would read my journals and the letters that my family and friends gave me. Making me reminisce of the good memories that I have. I was born and grew up in a simple village at Marikina. That's where my mom got my nickname, Keena. Though our relationship is not perfect, I still have to say that my family and friends love me so much. My home is the place where I first felt love and gave love to other people, especially my family....

...Why do I go back to these letters? Because those letters remind me of the primary reason why I fall in love with them. And if we want to keep our relationship stronger, both sides should do something about it. As what Paul Coelho said, "...when we love, we always strive to become better than what we are."

I give more time to talk to my family and friends, and know what they've been doing. Of course, I also share my own stories just to let them know I'm okay. I also got myself more exposed to the less privileged children and share to them the love I felt from my family and friends. As mentioned in my previous essays, I visit the Bagong Silagan Area in Payatas and the Philippine Children's Medical Center. And I get more opportunity every time I do my field work in Special Education wherein we observe different exceptionalities of children and adolescents. Sharing my love to people whom I do not know makes me more hopeful. As for my strong persistence and oversensitivity, I don't confront the person involved in the problem immediately. I stop for awhile, calm myself, and put myself in that person's perspective. That there is a need to lose myself. It's really hard to do especially if there are times you are tempted to just run away. What I would do is explain to that person that I still needed to settle myself but we would definitely talk to each other soon. That really helps because I would realize what he/she might be going through.

After everything that had happened, I am still that sweet and affectionate person. Although I am very quiet most of the time these past few months, I am still outspoken whenever needed. Patience, forgiveness of oneself and others, and hope are more strengthened in my life. Times of distress can really make you learn and grow, just like what it has done for me. Yes, I'm still capable of getting angry but I guess there are certain things that you just have to let go.

Loving someone hurts when he can never love you in return. But my family made me realize that getting hurt must not stop you from believing in love. I lost one person and, surprisingly, I gained even more friends. Why should I make things more difficult when there are just some people who are right there in front of you...also waiting to be loved?

Don't get me wrong. I didn't write this because I want to share my misery about love to other people...many people are already doing that for me. But this is who I am now. Flawed but still trying to be a good person. I also want to change the theme of my blog though. Enough stories about myself..that's one of the reasons why I stopped updating. I don't know what I would do with my blog anymore. But hey! Let's just see how it goes.